| 00:00 - 00:03 | Sir, we received a call from dispatch |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | The local ER has three |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | patients needing transport. |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | One bariatric bowel obstruction, |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | a kid with RSV, and an acute gout. |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | Yes, this will be excellent |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | experience for the BLS crews |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | Sir... |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | The hospital... |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | The hospital requested ALS for all. |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | You are the only paramedic on tonight. |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | Anyone one station with less than 2 years here must leave the room. |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS GODDAM HAPPEN |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | EVERY SINGLE NIGHT THIS FUCKING |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | BANDAID STATION THINKS THE ONLY WAY THEY CAN SEND ANYONE OUT THEIR |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | GODDAM DOORS IS WITH MY ADVANCED LIFE SUPPORT ASS! |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | I DID NOT GO TO MEDIC SCHOOL |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | JUST SO I CAN TAKE EVERY KID WITH THE |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | GODDAM SNIFFLES TO A "SPECIALIST!" |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON OB PATIENTS! |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | Sir, with no local OB you may have to deliver |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | DON'T GIVE ME THAT SHIT! WE DO 50 A YEAR AND NEVER DELIVER. |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | But sir, don't you want your stork pin? |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | CAVEMEN COULD DO THAT JOB, I KNOW THIS |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | BECAUSE THEY FUCKING DID IT |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | I SWEAR TO GOD |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | ONE DAY I AM GOING TO STRAP ON A BOMB |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | WALK INTO THE GOD FORSAKEN PLACE AND YELL |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | "HOT APPY" IS ABOUT TO BLOW! |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | THEN WE'LL ALL BE DEAD AND I'LL BE HAPPY |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | BUT THEN DISPATCH WILL BE RADIOING MY CORPSE |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | ASKING ME TO HUSTLE BECAUSE THEY HAVE CALLS HOLDING |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | And to think I wasted time |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | memorizing the dopamine clock and intubating upside down. |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | I even bought an ACLS field guide. |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | My last shift... |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | I SAW THE SUN SET AND RISE AGAIN ALL FROM THE BACK OF THE TRUCK |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | I COULDN'T DETERMINE IF THE SLIM JIM AND SPEEDWAY TORNADO I ATE |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | WAS MY DINNER OR MY BREAKFAST |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | I HAVE GAINED 35 POUNDS SINCE GETTING OUT OF CLASS |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | YET THE EMS ROOM ONLY HAS SUGARFREE SNACKWELLS |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | Yes, the pop-tarts are for the hero firemen. |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | I could have gone into nursing |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | Then I would be the one fraudulently filling out the PCS to |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | clear the bed faster. |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | Last week I held an old man's penis. |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | I had to help him piss into a convenience bag while traveling 70mph on the interstate. |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | I bet I don't see that on the next Chicago Fire. |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | Tell Dispatch I'll be enroute. |
