| 00:00 - 00:03 | Ukrainian forces have continued their offensives. |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | They have already taken Lyman |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | and are pushing into Luhansk. |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | The Kherson front is collapsing |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | and our forces are in full retreat. |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | Send our new conscripts into Crimea |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | to reinforce the Kherson front. |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | Mr President... |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | Crimea... |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | The Ukrainians bombed the Kerch Bridge. |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | We have no safe route into Crimea. |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | Everyone who called the Ukrainian surrender hotline leave the room now. |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | What the actual fuck!? |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | How did they get my bridge? |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | Their HIMARS were nowhere near it! |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | Do we even still have a front line? |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | This is the Moskva all over again. |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | That bridge was supposed to be untouchable. |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | What the fuck am I paying you idiots for? |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | You can't even protect a fucking bridge! |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | They must have used spec ops to place explosives... |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | What the fuck happened to my combat dolphins? |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | Mr President, that was only propaganda. |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | Then what the fuck did I spend millions on? |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | I wanted combat dolphins! |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | You corrupt fucks |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | probably spent that money on new yachts |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | while the Ukrainians send mine to the bottom of the sea. |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | I'm supposed to be the one skimming from the top. |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | We can't all do it at the same time you fucking idiots! |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | What did they even teach you in officer training? |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | No wonder we have to give our troops the same guns Stalin used. |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | The west is arming Ukraine. |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | They're giving them all their state of the art gear |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | while our troops are using Mosin–Nagants. |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | It's embarrassing. |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | I bet now even the Portuguese are laughing at us with their long bridge. |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | Now they've got the longest fucking bridge in Europe. |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | Not taking territory is one thing |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | but we're about to lose territory we took years ago. |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | My life's work in ruins thanks to you idiots! |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | It's ok. We'll still get a washing machine. |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | They're all laughing at me online. |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | Making memes about all our failures. |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | I'm a joke. |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | This was the worst birthday ever. |
| 03:40 - 03:45 | We can't afford to look weak internationally. |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | Fire some more missiles into their cities. |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | Terrorism is all we've got left. |
