| 00:04 - 00:05 | Reporters are saying the SNP are fighting among themselves |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | We have seen grannies thrown aff the bus here, here and here. |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | Wild Haggis have surrounded Holyrood. |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | Nicola has called in the Independence marchers in Edinburgh |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | The British media will stop them. |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | Our Editors will write the usual pish, the public lap it up! |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | But what about Wings |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | The Wee Ginger Dug? |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | The National? They are going to have a Sunday edition! |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | How can we get them to believe that only 3,500 turned up on the Glasgow march? |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | Everyone get out, except the Tories, Labour and Liberals |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | This is a disaster |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | If we don't control the press they might vote Yes |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | They are laughing at us |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | Where are our reporters, they are supposed to be making this up! |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | All we have seen are the SNP getting on with the day job! |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | Phone Trump see if we can use his press secretary |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | Make up something about Brexit, how great it is going to be. |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | Tell them Theresa is going on Strictly! |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | They know it will be awful |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | Get Gordon and Alistair to make some new vows |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | The lies will only work so many times |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | They are supposed to be having a square go |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | But all we hear is they need more square sausage! |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | Where is my SNP bad? |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | Tell them the NHS is safer in our hands. |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | Tell them Scotland has been part of the union for 5000 years! |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | Get Jacob to tell them they can have a referendum in 20 years. |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | Send some more Dark Money |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | Where's Ruthie when we need her? |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | I want pictures of SNP MPs arguing with each other |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | Make it up if you have to. |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | We can fake anything! They believe us. |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | Send an undercover reporter to infiltrate the Yes bikers |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | Tell everyone they ride scooters! |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | Tell everyone they pay their TV license and love the BBC |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | Tell them they all ride Dirt bikes. |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | We must get people to trust our media |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | Even Jeremy believes the stuff we write for him! |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | If you can't do better we will have to get Boris involved! |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | It's OK he doesn't mean it! |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | Fake news worked for Trump |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | Fake news can work for us. |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | We've paid enough for it. |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | Even the DUP don't believe us anymore. |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | It's all over, even the North Koreans couldnt make this shit look real. |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | It doesn't matter anyway, Nicola will play a blinder |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | Boris for prime minister, what were the odds......... |
