| 00:00 - 00:03 | We'll have an offside field, with a slip. |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | A man out for the trap |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | a cow for the tailenders. |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | Then your usual umbrella field in case of |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | the big expansive cover drive or release shot. |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | Let's get a couple of the Freeman brothers |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | in there to make sure. |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | Nigel |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | The chairman of selectors |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | The chairman of selectors doesn't want you in the 1s. |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | You're scoring for the 4s. |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | Everybody stand where you would if I was bowling. |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | What a bloody cheek! |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | A bloody, short-sighted, club-destroying cheek. |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | Those 4th teamers won't even carry my gear for me. |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | Shocking, inedible teas made by inbred yokels. |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | Soggy Sandwiches/They're ok. |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | Either we don't get a tea, or they're not done properly. |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | If I have to eat 1 more low-fat |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | chocolate hob knob.... |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | Nigel, McVities have improved the recipe recently. |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | It's Free-From you fool, no gluten. |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | Nigel, you can barely tell the difference. |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | Whatever, it's still not a proper tea! |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | I'm a batsman! |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | A gun like me doesn't turn up |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | to watch muppets letting the ball |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | through the ring, giving away singles. |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | The captain doesn't know his arse from his elbow. |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | Do you know how many times he made me bat below Jim Harwood? |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | Who then ran me out! |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | And then the half-wit would ask for a coin before the toss! |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | The ECB promised this wouldn't happen; |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | How long have I had the tie- the egg and bacon tie? |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | An MCC institution. |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | And then- another thing... |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | They make me drive through Sussex, along the A267. |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | They know perfectly well that I don't understand Sat Nav. |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | This is all because of Mike Waller. |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | I borrowed 50p 2 years ago, |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | and now the bastard won't let it go! |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | Maybe you could make Rocky Road. |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | Another year of small changing rooms. |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | I used to enjoy my showers in the clubhouse. |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | Maybe a quiet poo. |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | Sometimes even at the same time- |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | I am going to write a strongly-worded letter to the Times of Tunbridge Wells |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | and then another to the Telegraph. |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | This is what comes of decolonization. |
