| 00:00 - 00:05 | So yes, we were testing a new very, very dangerous virus |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | A fully weaponized coronavirus |
| 00:07 - 00:10 | This thing is as infectious as herpes. |
| 00:11 - 00:16 | Without the sex.. it's in the air. This fucks up your lungs and immune system |
| 00:17 - 00:21 | And we set it loose in Wuhan. |
| 00:21 - 00:24 | Right next to the lab. |
| 00:29 - 00:31 | Right next door. |
| 00:31 - 00:34 | Then we blamed it on a armadillo looking motherfucker |
| 00:38 - 00:40 | And bats. |
| 00:41 - 00:47 | We got everyone to believe it magically appeared in a food market that's been there for like a hundred years! |
| 00:47 - 00:50 | We even posted a video of some instagram girl eating bat soup |
| 00:50 - 00:56 | Captioned it "Hashtag Coronavirus" |
| 00:58 - 00:59 | Took less than a day |
| 00:59 - 01:01 | For the world to hate China. |
| 01:04 - 01:06 | Everyone was like well fuck guys.. |
| 01:06 - 01:08 | Stop eating weird shit maybe??? |
| 01:13 - 01:14 | We were ready for backlash... |
| 01:14 - 01:16 | Ready to tell the truth |
| 01:16 - 01:20 | But no one was even surprised! |
| 01:21 - 01:27 | It had spread so fast the rest of the world thought they were actually fucking hiding it. |
| 01:35 - 01:36 | The dead piled up so fast |
| 01:36 - 01:39 | They didnt know what to do with them |
| 01:41 - 01:44 | But seriously civilians and.. and doctors, nurses |
| 01:44 - 01:47 | The virus killed 15% of victims, but not kids. |
| 01:47 - 01:49 | Just boomers and the elderly. |
| 01:50 - 01:53 | So they told everyone to wash their hands. |
| 01:54 - 01:56 | And not touch their faces. |
| 01:56 - 01:58 | Their faces! |
| 01:58 - 02:02 | You touch your face almost 900 times a day. Like good luck! |
| 02:05 - 02:07 | You're doing it now! |
| 02:10 - 02:11 | You're dead... |
| 02:11 - 02:13 | You're already dead! |
| 02:15 - 02:17 | You caught it and you're gonna pass it |
| 02:17 - 02:20 | To everyone in the studio! |
| 02:21 - 02:28 | But you could get on a plane and go visit Canada right now and tour the country! |
| 02:29 - 02:30 | No screening? |
| 02:30 - 02:32 | Yeah.. a fucking pamphlet! |
| 02:36 - 02:39 | You know the Canadians, so fucking polite |
| 02:40 - 02:42 | They just ask you if you're infected.. |
| 02:50 - 02:55 | Whatever you put on the paper is taken as absolute truth |
| 02:56 - 02:58 | What if you say you're sick? |
| 02:58 - 03:04 | No problem, just quarantine yourself once you leave the airport and get to wherever you're headed. |
| 03:04 - 03:09 | But you have to pinky swear you won't go outside. |
| 03:09 - 03:11 | It's such a fucking joke. |
| 03:16 - 03:20 | We are so fucking dead. |
| 03:23 - 03:26 | We're both fucking coughing and shit. |
| 03:31 - 03:36 | Whatever though, Trump will have a cure next week... It's just the flu bro! |
