| 00:01 - 00:07 | Now listen to me very carefully or else |
| 00:08 - 00:13 | Lessons will be starting at 5.00 am from the beginning of the next school year |
| 00:14 - 00:18 | And will last until 7pm |
| 00:19 - 00:20 | Now the rest of the news |
| 00:21 - 00:23 | From 2017 all citizens will be expected to clean the pavement area outside their houses |
| 00:39 - 00:42 | A clean pavement leads to a clean mind |
| 00:43 - 00:46 | Anyone dropping chewing gum on the street will be severely punished |
| 00:46 - 00:49 | They will have to pick up one million pieces of chewing gum from the streests of our cities |
| 00:49 - 00:52 | Now sports news |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | All footballers will be required to take an IQ test. If they fail they will have to give at least one of their sports cars to charity |
