| 00:00 - 00:03 | We've downloaded the data from your Garmin |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | and tracked your ride on Google maps. |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | out Inkpen way. |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | You did two hundred meters of climbing |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | and had a maximum heart rate of 185 bpm. |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | Yes, but what was my average speed? |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | I want to know how fast I went. |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | Sir, mein Fuhrer... |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | speed isn't everything |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | ...and you had three punctures. |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | I ride Marathon Plusses myself. |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | Everyone who isn't a cyclist, leave the room now. |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | You're going to tell me that there's no |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | improvement on last Sunday's ride aren't you? |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | And that I'm still averaging sodding 12kph |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | I haven't a hope in hell of keeping up with the |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | slowest rider. That's you Irmgard. |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | Christ! I haven't even got out the Market Place |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | and the peloton are round by the bus |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | station and heading off up Bartholomew St. |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | But mein Fuhrer, they are all finely-tuned athletes |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | Are you implying that I am not? |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | But sir, they're all out cycling every day. |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | That's as maybe, but I am the maniacal and unhinged |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | head of the master race. They shouldn't |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | be able to drop me so easily. |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | I want to get to the halfway stop |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | and have my coffee and cake and |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | a chat with the rest of them. |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | As it is, I arrive half an hour after everyone's left |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | and all the cakes are gone. |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | The greedy bastards eat the lot and don't leave me a crumb. |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | If I'm lucky, there might be some filthy tea left |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | and when I get outside, it's pissing down |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | and I've got yet another effing puncture |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | and no spare tubes. |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | Every week, it's the same and I've just got one of those el cheapo |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | mini pumps from Halfords, which are no damn good. |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | I have to stand outside in the pouring rain |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | fixing my puncture and the patches don't stick properly |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | and then when that's done, it's all that pumping. |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | Irmgard. Buy him a frame fit pump please. |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | And by then, they're all at home |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | scoffing their Sunday lunches with their families. |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | And I'm all alone. |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | Doesn't anyone wait for you? |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | No. I'm on my own all the way back. |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | Do you think I ought to get rid of the stabilizers |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | and the pink tassels? |
