The Master Plan goes awry
713 views3/11/2016
In Brentwood Bunker the Leader throws in the towel
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| 00:00 - 00:03 | We are assessing the success of the emoov master plan... |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | Our allies Purplebricks are winning magnificently |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | All their Local Property Experts are here, here and here |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | Yet they are winning instructions in Brentwood and all over the UK |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | We think it is because the public don't know Berlin is 1,300kms from England |
| 00:17 - 00:20 | Yes, the public are stupid. They can be fooled. As well we know. |
| 00:19 - 00:22 | I tell them we get 99% of the asking price and they believe it. |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | My leader, |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | There is a letter... |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | ... A letter from the Advertising Standards Authority. It says that... |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | You are instructed not to say it again, anywhere, any time. |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | Why has the ASA been allowed to say this? You, you and you will explain. |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | You incompetent arseholes! |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | You should have seen this coming |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | I paid Jury good money to put the spin on this and now the bastards have rumbled us |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | Thank god I had the sense to liquidate him. |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | I have sold my soul for this crusade |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | I have sworn to disrupt the market |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | I shall crush the puny defences of the high street agents |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | My leader, we have fought hard but they still have 97% of the market |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | Fool! You know nothing! Our online share of 3% is growing exponentially |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | My leader we only took on six properties in the last month... |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | So what? I shall tell the press that only seven came on in the whole of the UK. |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | They will believe me. |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | I can feed them any old shit and they will print it. |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | It's a fact that 48.7% of all facts are completely factual |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | And I will prove to them that emoov is 19.765% of the future |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | We have two and half million quid in the bank |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | I can take every journalist in the country out for lunch on that. |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | Beer and sandwiches. I will stop at nothing to win them over. |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | We are getting coverage everywhere. It's brilliant! |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | We are convincing everyone that high street agents are a rip off |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | That it is possible to pay a little and receive a lot |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | That it's all going online, innit. |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | I will not be silenced |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | I want that Beeney woman in here now. She has betrayed our cause. |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | How dare she stop taking fees upfront! |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | What the fuck is she doing? |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | How can we compete with that? |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | I've told all my relatives that upfront fees mean we make shedloads whether we sell the damn properties or not. |
| 03:04 - 03:10 | It's alright Ros, Stephen isn't really gone. He'll still be writing for Property Industry Eye) |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | Get Henry Pryor on the phone |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | We have no choice any more |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | We need offices. He will find them for us. |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | We need to be on the high street |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | If the ASA won't let us go on fooling the public we have nothing left. |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | We must become a full service agency. |
| 03:53 - 03:58 | I'm done. Get Scarff to front it. |