| 00:00 - 00:04 | So I tell Chairman Pai, "Hey! I've already lobbied $110 million! |
| 00:04 - 00:07 | Alright so I'm gonna need you to hurry up with the vote!" |
| 00:07 - 00:10 | And that's all you need to do...That's it. |
| 00:11 - 00:17 | And he's like, "Okay, how do we explain this to the people? They're going to be pissed." |
| 00:17 - 00:21 | I'm like "Tell them it will restore Internet freedom" |
| 00:21 - 00:24 | I did |
| 00:29 - 00:31 | I did |
| 00:31 - 00:36 | You can tell them it'll get them a free handjob for all I care! |
| 00:38 - 00:40 | I did |
| 00:41 - 00:47 | The hell do I care if the people are pissed? What're they gonna do, join together to fight the evil villain ISP's? |
| 00:47 - 00:51 | All they can do is make little websites that say, and I shit you not... |
| 00:51 - 00:56 | "You have a voice!" |
| 00:58 - 01:02 | Tell me this. How many yachts can you buy with your voice? |
| 01:04 - 01:08 | When your voice can help pay off my mortgage, then we can talk! |
| 01:13 - 01:20 | Fucking idiots. Get this, we even told Pai to tell them this wouldn't benefit ISP's! |
| 01:21 - 01:29 | Tell me who spends half a billion dollars on lobbying and doesn't expect a huge return on investment?!! |
| 01:35 - 01:39 | This is gonna make us so fucking rich...So fucking rich like.. |
| 01:39 - 01:41 | Loads of cash |
| 01:41 - 01:44 | But listen, you'd think as a consumer, they'd make the rational decision, |
| 01:44 - 01:47 | "Okay I'm gonna cancel my AT&T service then." |
| 01:47 - 01:49 | Two days later... |
| 01:50 - 01:53 | "Welcome back to AT&T." |
| 01:54 - 01:56 | Dumbasses |
| 01:56 - 01:58 | We're like... |
| 01:58 - 02:03 | We're like wish you luck on your search! We'll be here when you get back. |
| 02:05 - 02:07 | Serious |
| 02:10 - 02:11 | Look at you laughing! |
| 02:11 - 02:13 | Look at you! |
| 02:15 - 02:19 | People are even threatening to crowdfund their own local internet connections. |
| 02:22 - 02:25 | And we're like okay that's cool. But when you're waiting 30 seconds |
| 02:25 - 02:29 | To load Wikipedia, give us a call! |
| 02:29 - 02:30 | That's where you come in? |
| 02:30 - 02:32 | That's exactly where we come in. |
| 02:37 - 02:40 | We're like EA with video games |
| 02:40 - 02:43 | But without the pride and accomplishment |
| 02:51 - 02:54 | If only I could cry as much as they're gonna be crying |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | But you know states can still enforce Net Neutrality? |
| 02:59 - 03:02 | Nope, I asked Pai in November to block states from enforcing it. |
| 03:02 - 03:05 | He's my bitch so he'll do it. |
| 03:05 - 03:08 | I'm a pimp making money, think of him as my hoe. |
| 03:09 - 03:12 | Except we're fucking the country instead. |
| 03:17 - 03:20 | What you lost your voice? |
| 03:24 - 03:28 | Well then stand in line my friend! |
| 03:31 - 03:37 | This time next year we'll launch our business model and we know they're gonna bend over and take it. |
