| 00:00 - 00:03 | At this rate, Fuzzy Nation will outsell one of the parodies by 2020. |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | Here in Ohio, there are many lawns. |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | People with lawns love your books. |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | One little old lady bought 100 copies of Fuzzy Nation for the library in your hometown. |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | If she does the same for Lock-In, that's another 100. |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | So, with my mother's purchases... |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | My rape satire is buried nationwide. |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | Not in so many words. |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | Our SJWs... |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | Your fans have made rape your calling card... |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | ...out of enthusiasm for your moral leadership. |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | Every single person who has genuinely enjoyed my funny rapes...please stay with me now. |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | Rape's not what I prefer! |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | My fans are stupid enough to push what I don't prefer! |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | I'm sexy! Not rape rapey! |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | That's George's gig. |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | We erased Ed Kramer out of the directory! |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | These are the dolts who cornered me... |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | into recording an audiobook about how no one likes me. |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | Wheezing asthmatic assbags! They think I think it is adorable! |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | Fans? More like enemas. |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | Be quiet! Hines, you are as dumb as them. |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | I service women with rape counseling. |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | And you wonder why I keep my distance now? |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | Alex Erin! |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | Xe thinks I like spending all my time... |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | Dancing for these parodists. Xe thinks I'm winning! |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | Hurk! I could throw up this garbage. |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | I taunt the tauntable. I am not tauntable! |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | This...defamation...and the retards who burned down the Hugos...are burning down me! |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | I parody rape! Not the other way around. |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | Patrick, quit with the Blood Libel shit, and do something for me for once. |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | Call Bezos for me. |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | Shut down this defaming parody. |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | Give me help here. |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | Edit that book into non-existence. |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | When I am loved by Oscar-winner Tom Hanks... |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | ...I won't need you sideshow freaks. |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | Until then, get off your assbags and put on your asshats on my behalf for once! |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | Talk to Amazon and get this puke wiped from history. |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | Put your bachelor's degrees to use for once! |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | I have a bachelor's degree! |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | Once this single parody is taken down... |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | I'll be okay. We'll all be okay. |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | Except you Kluwe. You are creepy. |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | Cutting the ass out of your pants. |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | Next time just wear a dress like the rest of us. |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | I've got to bury this rape thing once and for all. |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | Ban this and I'll never be parodied again. |
