| 00:00 - 00:03 | Mein Fuhrer, we have a problem on the beach. |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | What appears to be excrement is everywhere. |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | Here. And here. |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | We first learned of it from a cell phone video taken by a citizen on the beach. |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | The video has been viewed over 34,000 times. It's gone viral. |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | This happens all the time. |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | Those damned Canada geese crap everywhere. |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | Mein Fuhrer, |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | It's not-- |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | It's not goose droppings. It's human feces. |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | Fairhope has a Phanton Sh**ter. |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | The following men will stay: Keitel, Jodl, Krebs, and Burgdorf. |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | This is FAIRHOPE! |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | Beautiful, eclectic, artsy FAIRHOPE! |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | The sh*t is rolling up in the surf like driftwood! |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | (Who craps on the beach?) |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | It's probably the snapper fleet dumping their waste! |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | Or the cruise ships! Or those huge tankers! |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | Human waste! In Fairhope! Where's the sewer leak? |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | I have six crab traps out right now! |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | Mein Fuhrer, human feces would wash up like Havana omelets - not solid pieces! |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | Did you hear what he said? I'm freaking out here! |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | Mein Fuhrer, it is very clearly goose sh*t - - - |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | Herr General, I don't want to hear you say 'goose sh*t' again! |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | IT'S HUMAN FECES! |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | Do you actually expect me to believe . . . |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | . . . that you Googled "goose poop" . . . |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | . . . in the desperate hope that, by some miracle, these aren't human turds? |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | There are big, brown, solid logs on our shores! |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | The kind you get after a road trip because you can't take a dump anywhere but at home! |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | These things are so dense; I can't believe they didn't sink! |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | And you say it's goose crap just because you're worried about the damned geese! |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | This is human feces, plain-and-simple. |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | The next thing you know, Mobilians will be moving across the Bay by the thousands. |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | And we are powerless to stop it. |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | This will make the news. |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | This will make the news and get picked up by the wires and the whole country will know! |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | They'll make jokes and say our seafood tastes like sh*t! |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | Well, I for one, won't put up with it. |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | I am tired of our Bay being treated like a toilet! |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | And if it is the geese, I will cook them in their own blood! |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | It's okay. I had to Google "goose poop", too. |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | There's probably a video of a turd with peanuts in it. |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | I've never understood why we can't digest them. |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | Or corn. |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | Find some gloves. And some bags. |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | We are going down there to pick up every last bit of that bum fudge . . . |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | . . . no matter how nasty it may be. |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | Before the next Jubilee. |
